i sign into this blog everyday with the full intention of writing something each time...and most days i feel like i have nothing to write. nothing to share. nothing to shout. so i don't write. today is no exception so i'm writing about how i have nothing to write about in hopes of sparking something in my mind that's more interesting than writing about writing and not writing. its like that movie Adaptation. the movie was about the movie. it was a rabbit hole of an experience, but i loved it. i watch the show Community (Thursdays on NBC) and a recent episode referenced this kind of an idea. poking fun at how thirsty our generation is for something that is so confusing and mind blowing that it bears the resemblance of a god we can worship. an idea i haven't considered, but after watching the show, completely realized and agree with. my favorite movie is Fight Club. you know, the one about those two guys who weren't actually two guys? confusion and twists excite me. which is another interesting thought: i hate unexpected things in my life. i like order and normality and control. there have been a few exceptions to that rule that were positive and pleasing, but mostly, the unexpected, the curve balls, the twists have been negative and painful. granted, those negative moments led, eventually, to a positive outcome of growth and learning. but on the onset of these twists, i still look on them with disdain and repel them because i don't want to hurt. so, what is it about me that is drawn to the confusion in stories while repelling it from my own life? as i think about it as i write about not having anything to write about, i think the following:
stories, through whatever medium, remove us from the pain and turmoil that actually exists all around us, even if only for a moment. and in our removal from the world around us, we tend to remove ourselves from ourselves, even if only in part. with all this removal, we're able to exist in a world where anything goes. the bad parts don't hurt and the good parts are more plentiful as we can make ourselves and our surroundings the best version of themselves we can imagine. so in my removal, i see myself as enjoying all unexpectedness that comes my way as an exciting event, full of hope and promise. in my belief that i can't do the best for myself (which i actually believe) i hope that there will be a twist coming soon to take care of that which i could not. and in stories, i'm the best at loving those twists. but in my real life, i still struggle against myself everyday, trying to make my own bed to sleep in with no hands. no ability to accomplish what is actually the best thing for me. not to mention what is best for the world around me. if only i could see the unexpected and embrace and encourage it like i do in my story world.
so, that'll be my goal: to not put too much stake in my goals.
and the best part about this whole post is that i wasn't expecting to write about not expecting things.
Charlie Kaufman can suck it. this shits totally getting a Pulitzer.