Thursday, August 4, 2011

hear here (or there)

i thought today, for the first time in a long time, "what am i saying?"

i spent part of the day today listening to a few of my friends sing songs. songs they wrote. some wrote for release, and others to preach. but regardless of the place they came from, the place they were going is what intrigued me. these friends have amazing amounts of people listening to their songs. listening to what they say. hanging on words and melodies. this is simultaneously beautifully powerful and frighteningly dangerous to me...


i write songs.
i write blogs.
i write tweets.
i write poems.
i write essays.
i speak to family.
i speak to friends.
i speak to coworkers.
i speak to strangers.

but what am i saying? are they my words? are they Divinely inspired? do i even believe what i'm saying? these questions are pivotal to anyone with an ear lent them. without these questions, our words and lives come from unchecked hearts full of deceit. we are the best at deceiving ourselves. i'm constantly the guilty victim of this. and i believe that most of what i say isn't said in words, but in my life. some days i'm very proud of what's being said and some days i'm ashamed to the point of hermitism. i don't think the latter days will go away. we can't be expected to be right, good, and worthy of being listened to all the time; but we sure as hell can try our damnedest to get there. and so i'm thankful for moments like this. moments of seeing people listen to others' words/lives. and what i hope is that i don't grow weary of the pursuit of the former days: living proudly that i can be used in some way to speak Truth and Life through whatever avenue i choose. but not by my might or ability. only by the grace bestowed on me through Divine gift and through the faith that that exists. i believe that what i believe is inconsequential to you hearing the Voice that speaks to and through me and forms my beliefs. the Voice is speaking, and if you hear it in me, hallelujah; but if through some other avenue, praise God.

just listen.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

All's Well That Ends Well

A letter.

Friends and family,

If you're getting this, you're either family or best friends that I love dearly and more than most things. I just launched my kickstarter page (link below) to raise funds for my upcoming album All's Well That Ends Well. The money will go to pressing the hard copies of the CDs and any extra that may come in will go to purchasing more merchandise for the band. Kickstarter is a cool website that allows the pledger to recieve rewards for donating. I want to ask you all to consider donating but if you're not able, then just a tweet, a facebook status, a blog shout out, forwarding to your friends/family, or any help in promoting this would bless me immensely. Thank you for all being influences in my life that have spurred me to write, seek Truth and the Lord and to love well.


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

finally starting to feel inspired again

whisper thoughts to your neighbor and let the heat of your breath breathe the ever uncomfortable feeling onto them. the feeling of intimacy. of connecting with just the one person.

i whisper to too many people. no in the gossipy sense, but sometimes. most times its me bearing my soul to a person, letting them see what they will, and feeling connected. and the next day, i do the same with person 2. and then 3, and 4 and so on. it's too much. i've spread my soul thin in all the intimate relationships i've tried to maintain. eventually, as the fabric of me starts to tear, i start to let people down. i stop being what they thought me to be, and it hurts them. if you've been hurt by me like that, i'm truly sorry. while it seems well intentioned to be so close with people, it really just doesn't make sense. there should be levels of intimacy that different people can achieve with me, not just a balls out "here's everything" with everyone. forgive the imagery, but its accurate.

i could go down an obvious road here and start to say how i'm going to be different in 2011 and make a resolution of sorts, but not only do i suck at staying true to resolutions, i also think they're bull shit. life is a constant movement, and if by resolving at the beginning of each year we think we can better effect that movement, we're mistaken. we really should just push all the time. push towards our best selves. so what is our best self? where can i find the best version of myself that i am always longing to be? i'll leave you with a quote and say that i'm going to continue pushing, seeing what i need to see to keep becoming the best version of myself:

"The yearning to know What cannot be known, to comprehend the Incomprehensible, to touch and taste the Unapproachable, arises from the image of God in the nature of man. Deep calleth unto deep, and though polluted and landlocked by the mighty disaster theologians call the Fall, the soul senses its origin and longs to return to its Source. How can this be realized?

The answer of the Bible is simply ”through Jesus Christ our Lord.” In Christ and by Christ, God effects complete self-disclosure, although He shows Himself not to reason but to faith and love. Faith is an organ of knowledge, and love an organ of experience. God came to us in the incarnation; in atonement He reconciled us to Himself, and by faith and love we enter and lay hold on Him." -AW Tozer from the Knowledge of the Holy

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

from me to me

remember where you came from.
the things you've learned.
you're not a new person.
you're not a young child.
you're a man.
you've been through fire and brushed off the ashes, by the Grace that burned you.
you've been made into what you are.
you're not fresh or clean, so think back.
take a day to stop and remember.
stop moving.
stop looking.
stop breathing.
sit, think, remember.
you've been many places that brought you here.
you've seen many faces that have made you who you are.
so remember and praise your Maker, because He's had you, has you and will have you.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

the prayer of a speechless heart


there's a set of words used in homage, in respect, and in praise of You. people use these words world wide, and at times, they seem fully genuine and heartfelt. but, i feel as though those words have lost their meaning in my heart. does this speak to my heart or the words? i'm not quite sure, but either way, their meaning has left and my heart feels speechless. there are days i feel compelled to speak, but in the recesses of my heart and mind, i don't have words that You deserve. this has brought me to a place of feeling those compulsions less and less. as is the case for most parts of me: i lose a connection and forget the connection was even there, and more so, don't try to regain it.

this is my attempt at regaining it.

i want You to know that those words that have lost their meaning, they not only feel meaningless and empty, but almost pushed to the other side of the spectrum: false. not that You are false, but that the words, in their tiny meanings, are portraying You in false lights. i don't want to do that. i don't even want to try and portray You. i want You to portray Yourself to me. and in me. and maybe even through me. a terrifying thought, that the One whom words cannot capture, would move through me. i, a rotten thing, feel incapable of housing You, such a rich Thing. i believe in You. i believe You love me and us and everything. and in my head, i understand how the only way i could ever be with You was by Your volition and sacrifice, but i can't understand why. i may not need to, i suppose, but without the why, i have a hard time feeling at peace with accepting Your grace and love.

please help me. help me in my state of not wanting to be helped. in my denial of Truth and rebellion against Your love, help me, because i want to sing and speak to You again.


i know you know this, but i thought of this last night and would like it to be the beginning of a song for You:

i'd stay in the darkness as long as it takes
i'll go blind for you because my eyes won't stop trying to see

Friday, November 5, 2010

Charlie Kaufman Can Suck It

i sign into this blog everyday with the full intention of writing something each time...and most days i feel like i have nothing to write. nothing to share. nothing to shout. so i don't write. today is no exception so i'm writing about how i have nothing to write about in hopes of sparking something in my mind that's more interesting than writing about writing and not writing. its like that movie Adaptation. the movie was about the movie. it was a rabbit hole of an experience, but i loved it. i watch the show Community (Thursdays on NBC) and a recent episode referenced this kind of an idea. poking fun at how thirsty our generation is for something that is so confusing and mind blowing that it bears the resemblance of a god we can worship. an idea i haven't considered, but after watching the show, completely realized and agree with. my favorite movie is Fight Club. you know, the one about those two guys who weren't actually two guys? confusion and twists excite me. which is another interesting thought: i hate unexpected things in my life. i like order and normality and control. there have been a few exceptions to that rule that were positive and pleasing, but mostly, the unexpected, the curve balls, the twists have been negative and painful. granted, those negative moments led, eventually, to a positive outcome of growth and learning. but on the onset of these twists, i still look on them with disdain and repel them because i don't want to hurt. so, what is it about me that is drawn to the confusion in stories while repelling it from my own life? as i think about it as i write about not having anything to write about, i think the following:

stories, through whatever medium, remove us from the pain and turmoil that actually exists all around us, even if only for a moment. and in our removal from the world around us, we tend to remove ourselves from ourselves, even if only in part. with all this removal, we're able to exist in a world where anything goes. the bad parts don't hurt and the good parts are more plentiful as we can make ourselves and our surroundings the best version of themselves we can imagine. so in my removal, i see myself as enjoying all unexpectedness that comes my way as an exciting event, full of hope and promise. in my belief that i can't do the best for myself (which i actually believe) i hope that there will be a twist coming soon to take care of that which i could not. and in stories, i'm the best at loving those twists. but in my real life, i still struggle against myself everyday, trying to make my own bed to sleep in with no hands. no ability to accomplish what is actually the best thing for me. not to mention what is best for the world around me. if only i could see the unexpected and embrace and encourage it like i do in my story world.

so, that'll be my goal: to not put too much stake in my goals.

and the best part about this whole post is that i wasn't expecting to write about not expecting things.

Charlie Kaufman can suck it. this shits totally getting a Pulitzer.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Orion's Between the Wrought Iron

there's times when i sit by the pool at my complex at night and stare at the moon and stars. i light a cigarette and watch the smoke filter up to it's cousin clouds. my mind goes from blank, to outrageous to insane to content and back again in these times. the following is a peek at what happens inside of that reckless wandering in my mind.

Orion's between the wrought iron
with satellites blinking above
a riot turns to a choir
and all we can sing is love

failure's never tasted the way you do now
so damn the clasps on your blouse
they make me cry
a wailing walled inside of the city glow
and the feeling of your breath i know
they'll make us die

stammer clamor the glamor of this night
while walks beneath the city lights
flesh of my flesh, i made you with her
but what's making me make me, what's making her stir?

i'd rather sit and stare than think and thwart
my plans, your plans, our plans' parts
in the play of the lifetime of a million men
give me my lines and for God's sake, tell me where to stand

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

song game (beta version)

sometimes i'll take a song and change all the words into words that rhyme but make it mean something completely different. maybe i'll start making this a game. guess this song:

run now, sprout a wary fleshing
fumed thy parts few, bring shy hate
beams love hurting, leverage keeping
fall on throngs, some crowded place
reach, see, come, tell odious conquest
flung high, shaming rungs of love
raised amount, rhymed sticks, i'll pawn it
count love high, pre breeding son.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Dear JohnPaulGeorgeRingo

Thank you.

my heart went boom
when i crossed that room
and i held her hand in mine
we danced through the night
and we held each other tight
and before too long
i fell in love with her
i'll never dance with another
since i saw her standing there

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

what is a border?

dear neighbor,

there are two of us, and the only way to distinguish you from me is this thing i just dreamed up in my basement. i spent hours down there. the moment the idea hit me, i was sipping on a small glass of the worst bourbon made. there was a breeze blowing in through my window and the curtains swelled and regressed like the chest of a woman lying under her sheets. i could hear you outside. you and your dog. with the occasional bark at a passing car, i was bringing myself into a trance. the symphony of noises outside created a rhythm that made it easy for me. then, as the dog bark therapist snapped his fingers i woke up to the idea. as i crept up from my wing back chair, i refilled my glass, lit my cigarette and opened the creaking door to my dungeon. with each step into the recesses of my mind and house the idea was forming and growing and coming to life. in the dark coolness i sat at my work bench and flicked on the 120 Hz hypnotic bulb that was sure to increase the likelihood that my thoughts would form into a cohesive mixture of ration and common sense. this idea in its infancy seemed outside of both those realms. up until now, you and i, we had no distinction. both images of the same Thing. both created wonderfully. but nowadays that's just not reasonable. we've come too far to maintain this facade that we shouldn't be distinctively perceived from one another. my right hand formulated the equations needed to accomplish the practical parts of my idea while my left hand sketched lovely pictures of what beauty this thing would bring. topography on my right and scenery on my left. required rules on my right and resulting liberty on my left. this was a difficult process. trial and error was my modus operandi and it wasn't pleasant company to keep. but after hours and hours of tossing away reams of paper and refilling my glass with the Tennessee fuel that kept me going, it happened.

the idea was formed.
the creation was made.
i created a border.

in the initial stages, this may hurt a little. as the first to become separated there will be some pain. a scalpel wasn't made to tickle, but once this is done you will be free. i will be free. free to shed this burden we've borne our entire lives. the burden of each other. its still unclear what, if any, new burdens may come into play, but how can we not at least give it a try? if you start to feel as though you can't handle the in's and out's of daily life alone, just remember the impossibilities we faced every day when we had no borders! in remembrance there should be peace. and if all goes according to the plans my hands put to paper then we'll soon have a world of freed slaves. i remember a man saying that we can't be a slave to two masters, but i propose that we need not be a slave to any master! i propose that we all be free! free of all hindrances and weights that will surely bring us to our demise. this is a new concept to you, i understand, but it's new to me as well! why should we question the huge wad of cash that has been placed in our inside jacket pocket? why would we ever doubt that every gift is perfect? in the days prior to our pending separation we had no choice but to trust each other, and i'm not saying we need to lose that. quite the contrary! now we have the freedom to choose who we trust and when we want to! i hope that you agree with me that the onus of trust felt like an anvil on my head every second of the day. now we can remove the anvil if we want!

now, here are a few of the necessary rules to life with borders that i've come up with to help make the transition seamless:

1. respect me. now that i'm free, i may or may not want to be a part of whatever it is you may be doing. if i want to, then rejoice. if i don't want to, understand and move on.
2. be independent. i don't expect you to help me accomplish the mundane tasks anymore, and so don't expect me to help you either.
3. create an established system for yourself and question all other systems. in your new freedom there is a responsibility to accomplish what you need to, and the best way to do it is to create a system by which you can judge all things and weigh their relevance to you and your life. and please, remember i'm doing the same and i'll be questioning your system daily. i'm unsure how we'll each feel about each others' systems but i'm convinced mine will be the best. you will probably feel the same about yours.

there is sure to be amendments to the constitution of independence, but those will come in time.

i hope that you are as excited about a border between us as i am. freedom is going to feel amazing, and i highly doubt anything negative will come of this. one day our grandkids will look back and thank us for making their world better. for making their world clear cut and organized. i will be over later tonight to begin the process of changing the world. see you then.

no longer yours,