Tuesday, January 25, 2011

finally starting to feel inspired again

whisper thoughts to your neighbor and let the heat of your breath breathe the ever uncomfortable feeling onto them. the feeling of intimacy. of connecting with just the one person.

i whisper to too many people. no in the gossipy sense, but sometimes. most times its me bearing my soul to a person, letting them see what they will, and feeling connected. and the next day, i do the same with person 2. and then 3, and 4 and so on. it's too much. i've spread my soul thin in all the intimate relationships i've tried to maintain. eventually, as the fabric of me starts to tear, i start to let people down. i stop being what they thought me to be, and it hurts them. if you've been hurt by me like that, i'm truly sorry. while it seems well intentioned to be so close with people, it really just doesn't make sense. there should be levels of intimacy that different people can achieve with me, not just a balls out "here's everything" with everyone. forgive the imagery, but its accurate.

i could go down an obvious road here and start to say how i'm going to be different in 2011 and make a resolution of sorts, but not only do i suck at staying true to resolutions, i also think they're bull shit. life is a constant movement, and if by resolving at the beginning of each year we think we can better effect that movement, we're mistaken. we really should just push all the time. push towards our best selves. so what is our best self? where can i find the best version of myself that i am always longing to be? i'll leave you with a quote and say that i'm going to continue pushing, seeing what i need to see to keep becoming the best version of myself:

"The yearning to know What cannot be known, to comprehend the Incomprehensible, to touch and taste the Unapproachable, arises from the image of God in the nature of man. Deep calleth unto deep, and though polluted and landlocked by the mighty disaster theologians call the Fall, the soul senses its origin and longs to return to its Source. How can this be realized?

The answer of the Bible is simply ”through Jesus Christ our Lord.” In Christ and by Christ, God effects complete self-disclosure, although He shows Himself not to reason but to faith and love. Faith is an organ of knowledge, and love an organ of experience. God came to us in the incarnation; in atonement He reconciled us to Himself, and by faith and love we enter and lay hold on Him." -AW Tozer from the Knowledge of the Holy

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